Wednesday, April 05, 2006


They are all around me and they don't even know they're dumb.

On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995. She was asked this question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
She answered: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

Singers should probably stick to singing and refrain from talking, at least in public. For example, Mariah Carey had this to say to show her empathy with starving children: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

Actors should only talk when they have a script to follow: "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," said Yale graduate
Brooke Shields in an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. I don't think she got the part.

Athletes sometimes suffer from foot and mouth disease. Winston Bennett,University of Kentucky basketball player, has trouble with body parts in general: "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

Joe Theisman agrees with my assessment of athletes. He said "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Politicians seem to have problems with perspective. Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington D.C., who was arrested on cocaine related charges seems to have suffered from the effects. He said "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country." He is definitely a "half full" man.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." Hillary Clinton, who obviously believes the Biblical statement that husband and wife become one flesh.

Hillary's husband was a realist. He said "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

Sometimes a guy just speaks the truth, even if he did not mean to. A congressional candidate in Texas said: "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

Now that Yogi Berra is not around, Philadephia Phillies manager Danny Ozark has decided to carry on Yogi's work. He said "Half this game is ninety percent mental."

Al Gore, one of my favorite blow hards, said "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." And Al has been breathing too much of it. Lee Iacocca, however, doesn't seem to be much of an environmentalist. He said "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" Al is not caught off guard, however. He expressed his personal motto of preparedness when he said "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." That's what I call prepared.

But to be fair, here is Republican Dan Quayle: "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

Even the military gets into the act, as evidence by this: "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

The problem has unfortunately spread to other countries, as evidenced by Keppel Enderbery, who said "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

Fortunately for us, the Government is stepping to help us. See this notice: "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

But, for some, there is bad news. Consider this notice:

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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