IT'S GREAT TO BE TED KOPPEL. I do not watch Ted Koppel. He looks too much like Howdy Doody. He looks more like HD than John Kerry looks like Herman Munster. And I'm short on duct tape right now.

But, if I did watch Ted talking archly to the tv audience with his I'm smarter than you smirk, his show would have the opposite effect on me than he intended. I think we all know that old Ted read the names of all the soldiers killed in Iraq to make Americans turn against the war. I've been reading those names, Ted, and it gives me the opposite reaction. I want to fight Iraq harder, strike back harder when they attack, drop big bombs.

I suggest a counter show. Let's have one of those all day shows. Every 15 minutes a different person will come in. We will read the names of every person killed in the towers on September 11, and follow it with the words "killed by an Muslim terrorist". We'll have widows read, orphans read, friends left behind read, firemen read, policemen, whites, blacks, jews (no mohammed, they did not all get the memo to get out because israel really did the attack), Pakistanis, every group represented in the victims.

Ted, you can read one if you want. Just follow the script.

Let's put it on all the channels, even that camel at the public trough PBS, and get everyone to sit there all day and watch each name read. Maybe we could put a picture of them up on the screen while we read.

Every hour we could take a break and watch the plane crash into the building, then people jumping out of the windows, then the buildings falling.

Then, let's go to Iraq. And let's take Ted.