TOXIC. I know you've been waiting to hear this: Britney Spears is fat. Rumor has it she is eating out of depression. It is a good cure. It always works for me. And why shouldn't she be depressed? She is rich, good looking, successful, and got to kiss Madonna. Ok I said that last part to gross you out, I admit. I always get depressed when I am making millions of dollars.

Reportedly, BS was to pose for Playboy, but has postponed it until she loses some weight. Posing for Playboy is a bad sign for a female entertainer, because it means she thinks her career is sagging. Britney is in a tough market. Christina is sluttier, Jessica is both prettier and dumber, and worst of all, Jessica may have beaten her out for the slutty role of the year, wearing those Daisy Dukes for the Dukes of Hazzard movie.

So, what's a girl to do? Here are my suggestions. (I have advice for everyone don't I? First the Pope, now Britney. What do they have in common? I don't like the way either one of them dress.) Here are my ideas, Brit.

First, lose weight and write a book about it. Then, make a video and do infomercials. You need a new exercise, though, as Pilates and those machines have all been used. But, please, really look thin and trim first. Have you seen Suzanne Somers using that thigh thing? She has big thighs? What is that about?

Second, get religion and go on television. You could be on TBN with Jan Crouch, she of the pink wig and industrial make up and lace dresses. You could tease your hair up big, wear a long but tight dress, and give your testimony. That would generate lots of further appearances on other religious tv shows, a book, and maybe you could star in the next Left Behind movie.