SCROOGING TOWARD CHRISTMAS. Go here to read Tech Central Station's many versions of The Christmas Carol.

The Christmas Carol, you may recall, is that Dickensian classic that virtually no one in America has ever actually read. Of course that is not saying much, as the vast majority of Americans have never read anything except the cable television guide. Most Americans have heard about the story and many dandy versions have been shown on television (that great conveyor of American culture or what passes for it).

I watched one that had Captain Picard in it (from Star Trek The Next Generation in case you have been in a convent for the last decade or so). I like Captain Picard because he was an Englishman playing a Frenchman in Outer Space (the real thing, not France) on American television. But, TV likes Picard, Patrick Stewart, because he has that lovely British accent which has a profound effect on Americans. Our forefathers hated the English accent so much they hid behind trees and shot at the English with muskets shouting "Speak English, you limey immigrants".

Now, however, Americans hear an English accent and they act like cats around catnip. People with accents just sound smarter, don't they. This is especially true if you grew up in Arkansas. (That was where Captain Kirk grew up. That is why he always spoke in those choppy, short sentences.)

I was disappointed with Pat's version of the play, however, because I kept thinking he would rip off that ridiculous night gown and have his Captain Picard uniform on under it. He would tap his communicator and yell "security to the Captain's quarters". (Actually, he did that all the time when Tasha Yar was security chief, so they quit answering. Or she would answer and say she had a headache.)

Then he would yell "phasers on stun" and shoot the ghost, who would really be a Klingon warrior in disguise.

Then Tiny Tim would rush in and restore order. He would look like Rike and Scrooge would call him Number One. Number One would say "God bless us everyone".

Picard would say "make it so".

Wouldn't that be great?