THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT IN 2010

There is terrorism, i.e., will you be humiliated by being blown up by something in a Muslim's underwear? I mean, getting killed is one thing, but reporting to the Pearly Gates and having the angel say "dude, an underwear bomb, really?" is too much.

There is the recession. The recession is confusing because the government says it is over, but jobs continue to be lost every month. But it is better because not as many jobs were lost as the month before. Which stands to reason because there are fewer jobs to be lost, right?

There is Global Warming. We are freezing, but still worry about it. And we still want to sign a global treaty about it and pass laws about it and especially tax people for it. This will occur right up to the moment the scientists realize they can make more money selling the mini ice age. A mini ice age is sort of like a mini refridgerator on a global scale: it won't really get anything really cold, but will make everything just cool enought to let you know it is there.

There is, what time will the Tonight Show come on? Will it stay or will it go now, as in back to the old time slot with Jay Leno at the helm instead of that red headed guy.

I think it should come after the news, so that after you have been scared to death and depressed, you can waste an hour and a half on totally inane entertainment. It sort of numbs the soul so you can sleep and not dream about The Under Wear Jihad.

Instead you can dream about the intelligent word an actor will say, such as "huh". Or, if the actress will be drunk when she comes out of the green room and has a hard time keeping her, well you know, in her dress. (Why is it when actors get drunk they never have a hard time keeping their body parts in their clothes?) Or will the comdedian actually say something mildly funny in the monologue?

I take it back. It should not come on at all and we should just go to bed, scare or not. Let the dreams come. I am prepared to fight Underwear Man in my sleep.