Saturday, March 20, 2004

THAT SEALS IT. Airport authorities caught a man, claiming to be a biology professor, attempting to bring a seal's head on board a flight. Talk about impinging your freedom, it turns out it is illegal to do this. The man said he found a seal on the beach, cut off its head, and took it for "educational purposes". My question is, whose educational purposes, his or the seals? Did he really find it on the beach, or is this a case of seal discipline going too far?

Seals worldwide are up in flippers. CNN reports that millions of seals gathered in Washington D.C (although the video only shows 12) to protest President Bush's policy toward seals. John Kerry appeared on television saying that numerous seals had contacted him saying they needed him to win and change the policies of the current administration. Barbara Streisand send a memo to the Chairman of the Democratic Party saying the party needs to get involved in this immediately.

Gay seals said their needs were particularly overlooked. Several gay seal couples appeared at the county clerk's office in San Francisco demanding to be married. Rosie O'Donell appeared later and married a seal also. When SNN (Seal News Network) interviewed the clerk, she said she didn't know if she could license a seal and a whale for marriage, but did because it involved fundamental mammal rights. And, after all, it is Bush's fault that none had ever married before.

People appeared by the ones in Eupopean capitals to demand rights for seals. France passes a law giving full mammal rights to seals as long as they do not wear Muslim head dress. The Dutch passed laws giving them the right to euthanize old seals and set up seal prostitution guidelines. Rumor has it the American Episcopal church will ordain a seal priest in its next convocation.

Meanwhile, the professor has fled the country to avoid prosecution. He joined Al-Qaeda and is believed to be in hiding in Pakistan. He recently issued a video via Al-Jezebel television, appearing in a robe and head dress, but with this face obscured. The CIA confirms that it definitely could be him if not someone else. He stated that all crusader seals would be crushed under the sandal of Allah's jihad and driven from Arab lands and any othe place Arabs could safely attack and get publicity.
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