Tuesday, February 09, 2010


Our beloved local newspaper certainly has its priorities straight regarding the news. Under "National Briefs", the first two items are about the lives of actors and former actors. The first, and I know you will be relieved to know this, Charlie Sheen and his wife are back together. This breathless news is from the Associated Press, so at least they did not send a reporter up to Colorado (from whence the story is posted) to follow Mr. Sheen and his wife around and report back to us on the status of their marriage.

The second item is that "former child television star" Gary coleman pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor (also related to domestic violence). I mean, this guy is not even on tv any more, but it makes the paper if he goes to court?

The third item is the sentencing of a Chinese born engineer for passing on sensitive information to China. Which of these three seems most important to the nation?

The fourth story is that the Obama administration will spend $78.5 million. This, of course, is not news at all: they do that every day for any possible reason. This might be news worth because of the reason for the expense. I kid you not, the expense is to help keep giant Asian carp out ofh the Great lakes. I thought maybe part of the Chinese engineer's sentence could be to fish for giant Asian carp and take them back to Asia along with the secrets he stole. It seems fair to me.

And maybe Gary Coleman could help, even though the Giant Carp are probably bigger than Gary Coleman. Maybe Charlie Sheen could catch them, Gary Coleman could clean them and pack them, and the Chinese guy could take them back to China.

The picture is not of Charlie Sheen and his wife getting back together, but is Charlie Sheen and Gary Coleman holding a giant carp. The carp is in the middle.

Seriously, this would have many benefits. First, the Obama Administration could pay them with Stimulus Bill money and claim the creation of the first 3 jobs under that program.

Second, the export of the carp could be claimed to even out the import\export ration with China. For every DVD player you sent over, you have to take a carp.

Third, we could send carp to Haiti and claim it as humanitarian relief.

Fourth, we would have to use a lot of ice to keep the carp cool, which would help all those newly embarassed scientists and politicians claim that global warming exists. It must, because there is less ice than before. They just would put the part that it went to Haiti in a foot note or forget to mention it altogether.

Fifth, the could send any remaining carp to Las Vegas, because we know they would not come back. After all, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. The downside is, the President could not claim he was not carping about Las Vegas when Harry Reid calls to complain about the latest Vegas comment in an Obama speech. And, if a surplus of carp occurs in Las Vegas, they could send them to Los Angeles via the high speed train that a good chunk of the Stimulus money went to.

Sixth, carp could be fed to school children. It is lower in fat than chicken fingers, although you cannot tell it from looking at a chicken. Children would loose weight, partly because of the lack of fat, and even more so because they would never in a million years eat something called Giant Carp, so it would be a great diet plan, otherwise known as fasting.

Just as an aside to that fasting idea, I once had someone tell me not to fast because it shut the body's metabolism down and would make you gain weight. I guess, then, that all those really thin people starving in Somalia will eventually gain weight and get fat without our having to feed them.

Whew. Well, that is what you get when you read the Startlegram national briefs: a lot of carp.
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