ONE MORE CHUCK NORRIS JOKE
When the Boogey Man goes to bed, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 08, 2011
China does not want the government to recognize or meet with the Dalai Lama when he comes to Washington. Maybe they will make a movie: Mr. Lama Goes to Washington.
The Chinese say The Dalai is in effect a terrorist, advocating violence to divide the motherland, meaning China. Of course they do not mention that Tibet was not part of the motherland until they invaded it and forced it to come to mama.
Plus, Mr. Lama is a Buddist and advocates peace. Think of Richard Gere without hair and with glasses. He just wants them communists to leave Tibet alone and let them follow him in Tibetan Buddism, wherever it may lead them.
What China should say is, quit talking to the Lama guy or we'll quit buying your bonds and dump the ones we have left on the market at a loss, you stupid spend thrifts. And we'll use those technology secrets Bill Clinton gave us to put a monkey wrench in your capitalistic gears. And we'll hack into your computers. Oh wait, we're already doing that so never mind. But quit talking to him. And no fancy dinners or tours of the White House, or playing basketball with the president. No sneaking out for a smoke with him, either, we see you out there from the satellite you know.
But that is a problem, because Mr. Lama and Mr. Obama are Nobel buddies. They have both gotten the big award, though neither has really accomplished any peace. The Lama has mostly spent his life wandering around whining about Tibet and nothing has happened. Obama just invaded Libya for no good reason. Not very peaceful, that.
Nonetheless, I hear Obama is giving Lama a lot of good stuff. First, there is the 3 volume set of books by Jimmy Carter entitled Everything I Said Is Wrong About America While Visiting Foreign Countries That Suck.
Second, there is the framed stock certificate in General Motors before the bankruptcy. It has no monetary value, but historic significance.
Third, there is the CD entitled All The Smart Things Joe Biden Has Said. It only takes a minute to listen to.
Fourth, Obama had T shirts made with their pictures on the front and on the back it says "We won the Nobel Prize and you didn't".
Fifth, there will be a guided tour of Michelle Obama's closets. It takes much longer than it takes to listen to the CD.
Sixth was actually canceled. They were going to offer him a job but there were none.
Seventh was changed at the last minute. They were going to give him a free ride on the train that the stimulus money built, going from Los Angeles to Harry Reid's place in Las Vegas, but it has not been built yet. So, instead, they are giving him a ride on a government plane when Nancy Pelosi takes her next trip.
Eighth, this one was actually declined by the Dalai. They offered him dinner with Mitt Romney, but he said Mormonism was just too weird.
Ninth, they will restore all the emails British journalists deleted from his account. This is in return for helping the British attack Libya.
Tenth and last, an introduction to all the Buddist nuns that raised money for Al Gore and Bill Clinton.
The Chinese say The Dalai is in effect a terrorist, advocating violence to divide the motherland, meaning China. Of course they do not mention that Tibet was not part of the motherland until they invaded it and forced it to come to mama.
Plus, Mr. Lama is a Buddist and advocates peace. Think of Richard Gere without hair and with glasses. He just wants them communists to leave Tibet alone and let them follow him in Tibetan Buddism, wherever it may lead them.
What China should say is, quit talking to the Lama guy or we'll quit buying your bonds and dump the ones we have left on the market at a loss, you stupid spend thrifts. And we'll use those technology secrets Bill Clinton gave us to put a monkey wrench in your capitalistic gears. And we'll hack into your computers. Oh wait, we're already doing that so never mind. But quit talking to him. And no fancy dinners or tours of the White House, or playing basketball with the president. No sneaking out for a smoke with him, either, we see you out there from the satellite you know.
But that is a problem, because Mr. Lama and Mr. Obama are Nobel buddies. They have both gotten the big award, though neither has really accomplished any peace. The Lama has mostly spent his life wandering around whining about Tibet and nothing has happened. Obama just invaded Libya for no good reason. Not very peaceful, that.
Nonetheless, I hear Obama is giving Lama a lot of good stuff. First, there is the 3 volume set of books by Jimmy Carter entitled Everything I Said Is Wrong About America While Visiting Foreign Countries That Suck.
Second, there is the framed stock certificate in General Motors before the bankruptcy. It has no monetary value, but historic significance.
Third, there is the CD entitled All The Smart Things Joe Biden Has Said. It only takes a minute to listen to.
Fourth, Obama had T shirts made with their pictures on the front and on the back it says "We won the Nobel Prize and you didn't".
Fifth, there will be a guided tour of Michelle Obama's closets. It takes much longer than it takes to listen to the CD.
Sixth was actually canceled. They were going to offer him a job but there were none.
Seventh was changed at the last minute. They were going to give him a free ride on the train that the stimulus money built, going from Los Angeles to Harry Reid's place in Las Vegas, but it has not been built yet. So, instead, they are giving him a ride on a government plane when Nancy Pelosi takes her next trip.
Eighth, this one was actually declined by the Dalai. They offered him dinner with Mitt Romney, but he said Mormonism was just too weird.
Ninth, they will restore all the emails British journalists deleted from his account. This is in return for helping the British attack Libya.
Tenth and last, an introduction to all the Buddist nuns that raised money for Al Gore and Bill Clinton.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A LITTLE HUMOR FROM SPURGEON
Spurgeon grew up in a Congregationalist church. They believed in infant baptism.
Soon after his conversion, he became a Baptist and believed only in baptism of believers.
His mother was disappointed. She wrote him a letter saying “Ah, Charles, I often prayed to the Lord to make you a Christian, but I never asked that you might become a Baptist”.
Spurgeon replied “Ah, Mother, the Lord has answered your prayer with his usual bounty, and has given you exceedingly abundantly above all you asked or thought”.
Spurgeon grew up in a Congregationalist church. They believed in infant baptism.
Soon after his conversion, he became a Baptist and believed only in baptism of believers.
His mother was disappointed. She wrote him a letter saying “Ah, Charles, I often prayed to the Lord to make you a Christian, but I never asked that you might become a Baptist”.
Spurgeon replied “Ah, Mother, the Lord has answered your prayer with his usual bounty, and has given you exceedingly abundantly above all you asked or thought”.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
THREAT LEVELS
(I received this in an email.)
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even"A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
(I received this in an email.)
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even"A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
Friday, January 28, 2011
I received this email today and found it less than convincing:
For your security, we have limited access to your online banking account because a few of your information with us are incorrect or incomplete.
"a few of your information with us are incorrect"? Really. If you are going to con me, at least learn my language.
sheesh.
For your security, we have limited access to your online banking account because a few of your information with us are incorrect or incomplete.
"a few of your information with us are incorrect"? Really. If you are going to con me, at least learn my language.
sheesh.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I received this in an email today.
Canadians: “Build a Damn Fence!"
From The Manitoba Herald, Canada R20; Reported by Clive Runnels
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves." A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age." an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
Canadians: “Build a Damn Fence!"
From The Manitoba Herald, Canada R20; Reported by Clive Runnels
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves." A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age." an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
Friday, September 24, 2010
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Monday, July 19, 2010
In support of my theory that there are only a couple of dozen facial types in the world population, I offer this comparison of well know religious guys and entertainers.
MY REPUTATION IS NOW INTERNATIONAL
I received this email today.
Dearest,
I write to you in tears, most times when I look at myself in the mirror I ask myself "am I going to die and leave this world". I told my private doctor once no to let me die but life and death is not in his hands to decide as I even feel I am going to die. The pain,the trauma,the psychological effect am going through makes me reject this wicked world.I never believed such thing could happen to me.
I am Susan Storch, a 54 years old business woman from Ireland, who has suffered for cancer for more than 12 years now. I don't understand why life has been so good to me and at the same time been so cruel to me.
I expect even if I am dying, my kids should come to see me in the hospital where I have leaved now for more than 10 years. But I have no kids to help or to give me hope.
I want you to come up to inherit my health insurance fund. Valued 2.2m Great Britain Pounds. I want a trusted, God fearing person.
There is absolutely going to be a great doubt and distrust in your mind in respect of this email, coupled with the fact that, so many individuals have taken possession of the Internet to facilitate their deeds, I want this money invested in any business of your chose with its monthly profit from this money Donated to support relief and rebuilding efforts.
I hope to hear from you or get back to me with your direct phone number.
Susan
I notice she says she is in Ireland, but the stuff at the bottom looks German. Hmmm.
___________________________________________________________
Neu: GMX De-Mail - Einfach wie E-Mail, sicher wie ein Brief!
Jetzt De-Mail-Adresse reservieren: http://portal.gmx.net/de/go/demail
I received this email today.
Dearest,
I write to you in tears, most times when I look at myself in the mirror I ask myself "am I going to die and leave this world". I told my private doctor once no to let me die but life and death is not in his hands to decide as I even feel I am going to die. The pain,the trauma,the psychological effect am going through makes me reject this wicked world.I never believed such thing could happen to me.
I am Susan Storch, a 54 years old business woman from Ireland, who has suffered for cancer for more than 12 years now. I don't understand why life has been so good to me and at the same time been so cruel to me.
I expect even if I am dying, my kids should come to see me in the hospital where I have leaved now for more than 10 years. But I have no kids to help or to give me hope.
I want you to come up to inherit my health insurance fund. Valued 2.2m Great Britain Pounds. I want a trusted, God fearing person.
There is absolutely going to be a great doubt and distrust in your mind in respect of this email, coupled with the fact that, so many individuals have taken possession of the Internet to facilitate their deeds, I want this money invested in any business of your chose with its monthly profit from this money Donated to support relief and rebuilding efforts.
I hope to hear from you or get back to me with your direct phone number.
Susan
I notice she says she is in Ireland, but the stuff at the bottom looks German. Hmmm.
___________________________________________________________
Neu: GMX De-Mail - Einfach wie E-Mail, sicher wie ein Brief!
Jetzt De-Mail-Adresse reservieren: http://portal.gmx.net/de/go/demail
Monday, July 12, 2010
You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
HUMOROUS EMAIL
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.
The people from Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "I will create Washington, D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.
The people from Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "I will create Washington, D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
Monday, June 28, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
IRAN USES AIR FORCE TO LOOK FOR SUNBATHERS
The U.S. Navy reports that an Iranian jet buzzed a Navy ship out in international waters. No one knows why.
I think I do. They were looking for sunbathers! After announcing last week that women with suntans would be arrested and beaten, the Iranian government has no doubt taken to the air to make sure no sunbathing is happening in or around Iran. After all, they believe it causes earthquakes. I guess that is what happened in Haiti.
So, where more likely than a ship on a cruise, would you find sunbathers. So they sent a spy plane to look. I'm guessing, though, that they did not find any, or they would have opened fire.
The U.S. Navy reports that an Iranian jet buzzed a Navy ship out in international waters. No one knows why.
I think I do. They were looking for sunbathers! After announcing last week that women with suntans would be arrested and beaten, the Iranian government has no doubt taken to the air to make sure no sunbathing is happening in or around Iran. After all, they believe it causes earthquakes. I guess that is what happened in Haiti.
So, where more likely than a ship on a cruise, would you find sunbathers. So they sent a spy plane to look. I'm guessing, though, that they did not find any, or they would have opened fire.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
I guess the United Nations likes me saying bad things about them; they sent me this email:
REF/07/04/10;United Nations Qualification Numbers for a grant award of $515,810.00 USD is UN/01/2010/459. Contact: @ Tel:+447023064797 e-mail: sd.unverification@live.com for claims detail.United Nations, Fee charge to be paid is GBP 150 Pounds reply for details.
does this mean the fee is 150 pounds of anything?
Funny that the award is in dollars but the fee is in pounds, huh.
wonder if they do C.O.D.?
REF/07/04/10;United Nations Qualification Numbers for a grant award of $515,810.00 USD is UN/01/2010/459. Contact: @ Tel:+447023064797 e-mail: sd.unverification@live.com for claims detail.United Nations, Fee charge to be paid is GBP 150 Pounds reply for details.
does this mean the fee is 150 pounds of anything?
Funny that the award is in dollars but the fee is in pounds, huh.
wonder if they do C.O.D.?
Thursday, April 01, 2010
Believe it or not, there are some people out there who think I drink a lot of coffee. Just because I teach Sunday School with a Starbucks cup in my hand does not mean I am an addict.
Nonetheless, here are some thought about coffee. You know you have had too much coffee when:
* You can type 60 words per minute with your toes.
* Intant coffee takes too long.
* You chew on other people's finger nails.
* You answer the door before people knock.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You only sleep so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You are the employee of the month at Starbucks and you do not even work there.
* You go to AA meetings just for the coffee.
This has all kind of made me want a cup. I think I'll head home early and stop at Starbucks.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
A LITTLE HUMOR FOR TODAY
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
READING THE STARTLEGRAM
Our beloved local newspaper certainly has its priorities straight regarding the news. Under "National Briefs", the first two items are about the lives of actors and former actors. The first, and I know you will be relieved to know this, Charlie Sheen and his wife are back together. This breathless news is from the Associated Press, so at least they did not send a reporter up to Colorado (from whence the story is posted) to follow Mr. Sheen and his wife around and report back to us on the status of their marriage.
The second item is that "former child television star" Gary coleman pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor (also related to domestic violence). I mean, this guy is not even on tv any more, but it makes the paper if he goes to court?
The third item is the sentencing of a Chinese born engineer for passing on sensitive information to China. Which of these three seems most important to the nation?
The fourth story is that the Obama administration will spend $78.5 million. This, of course, is not news at all: they do that every day for any possible reason. This might be news worth because of the reason for the expense. I kid you not, the expense is to help keep giant Asian carp out ofh the Great lakes. I thought maybe part of the Chinese engineer's sentence could be to fish for giant Asian carp and take them back to Asia along with the secrets he stole. It seems fair to me.
And maybe Gary Coleman could help, even though the Giant Carp are probably bigger than Gary Coleman. Maybe Charlie Sheen could catch them, Gary Coleman could clean them and pack them, and the Chinese guy could take them back to China.
The picture is not of Charlie Sheen and his wife getting back together, but is Charlie Sheen and Gary Coleman holding a giant carp. The carp is in the middle.
Seriously, this would have many benefits. First, the Obama Administration could pay them with Stimulus Bill money and claim the creation of the first 3 jobs under that program.
Second, the export of the carp could be claimed to even out the import\export ration with China. For every DVD player you sent over, you have to take a carp.
Third, we could send carp to Haiti and claim it as humanitarian relief.
Fourth, we would have to use a lot of ice to keep the carp cool, which would help all those newly embarassed scientists and politicians claim that global warming exists. It must, because there is less ice than before. They just would put the part that it went to Haiti in a foot note or forget to mention it altogether.
Fifth, the could send any remaining carp to Las Vegas, because we know they would not come back. After all, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. The downside is, the President could not claim he was not carping about Las Vegas when Harry Reid calls to complain about the latest Vegas comment in an Obama speech. And, if a surplus of carp occurs in Las Vegas, they could send them to Los Angeles via the high speed train that a good chunk of the Stimulus money went to.
Sixth, carp could be fed to school children. It is lower in fat than chicken fingers, although you cannot tell it from looking at a chicken. Children would loose weight, partly because of the lack of fat, and even more so because they would never in a million years eat something called Giant Carp, so it would be a great diet plan, otherwise known as fasting.
Just as an aside to that fasting idea, I once had someone tell me not to fast because it shut the body's metabolism down and would make you gain weight. I guess, then, that all those really thin people starving in Somalia will eventually gain weight and get fat without our having to feed them.
Whew. Well, that is what you get when you read the Startlegram national briefs: a lot of carp.
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