OBAMA APPOINTS A TASK FORCE TO QUESTION TERRORISTS POLITELY
The purpose of a task force is to make people think things are under control. Obama has been seeking a way to handle all the bad guys at Gitmo. Because George Bush was wrong and therefore all he did was wrong, Gitmo was wrong and Obama needs to find right. Howeve, right turned out to be difficult to ascertain and more difficult to manage.
Gitmo is wrong, so close it. OK, done. What do we do with the bad guys? No one wants them. I thought we should smuggle them into Mexico in RVs, but the president would not go for it because RVs don't get good gas mileage.
Then, after having a few beers with a cop and a professor, he got curious about what all those bad guys might know that would be useful. So he decided to question them. He appointed the task force to decide how to do that.
Of course, the task force decided there needed to be a committee to oversee asking questions. I knew this would happen because I am a Southern Baptist, at least until the powers that be discover this blog.
Southen Baptist pastors often appoint task forces to look at a problem and decide that what the pastor wants to do about it is a good idea. Then, they appoint a committee to do what the pastor wants and to tell the congregation it was there idea.
This is what Obama is doing. Although he clearly is no Baptist. A Baptist would not have had a beer with the cop and professor. He would have had chicken fried steak, baked potatoes and pie.
Anyway, I digress. Oh, and there will be a task force to decide how to move the prisoners from Gitmo, which is bad, to someplace less bad where nobody wants them.
But, first, let's ask them questions. But, we cannot play loud music. That would be bad. Like Metallica, for example (Can you feeeeeeeeel it). When the terrorsits head ban, their turbans fall off. So, that is no good unless you are in France where they outlaw Muslim clothing under the idea that will change the fact the country is becoming Muslim.
Anyway, I digress. So, the guys will come up with techniques to politely question bombers and murders and fanatics.
So, today I am announcing that I have managed to obtain access to highly confidential documents while the President is on vacation. Here are the suggestions of the task force. You read it here first.
First, offer the Freedom Fighter a jelly donut if he will tell us where the next attack will be or who the other Freedom Fighters are. Sprinkles will be added for telling us where Osama Bin Laden is hiding. Tell them we do not want to kill Osama, we only want to have a conference call with him and he is not answering his satellite phone.
If the Freedom Fighter will not accept the donut and talk, sing "Mandy" in your most nasal tone. When he begins to weep and ask him for mercy, ask him the questions and give him a jelly donut.
Third, if he starts to sing along with "Mandy" and do a Barry Manilow impression minus the plastic surgery, tell him if he does not talk, we are going to enroll his grand parents in the new Obama Health Program For The Greater Good of Not Sick People. Although there are no death panels as alleged by the evil Sarah Palin, there will be some counseling involved. The people who do it used to be Gitmo interrogators.
The new interrogators, who will be renamed Receivers of Voluntary Information From Freedom Fighters, may not deprive prisoners of sleep and, in fact, must tuck in all prisoners at night, using hospital corners on the bedding. If the Freedom Fighter requests a bed time story or a lullaby, that request must be granted. CDs of the Obama Childrens Choir and Army will be provided, and the stories will be read to harmonious back ground music by VP Joe Biden.
Waterboarding will not be allowed and in fact will be replace by water skiing.
Finally, the Obama task force will develop a "scientific research program for interrogation" to develop new techniques and determine a set of best practices on interrogation. They expect suggestions like, let them participate in the cash for clunkers program. If they want an abortion, they should be given one at taxpayer expense. Free medical care will be included unless the Freedom Fighter is over 55 years of age, and in that case they will be counseled about the benefits of shuffling off this mortal coil.
In addition, each Freedom Fighter will receive a Federal Bailout of $100,000. A third task force will be implemented to decide what reporting requirments will be in place and what the money can be spent on, but those guidelines are not expected to come out until after the Freedom Fighters receive the money and move on to other projects. However, an honor code will be in place.
Finally, as a show of good faith to the world, the entire Bush administration will be arrested and placed at Gitmo as soon as Obama can talk the Chinese into purchasing a bond issue to finance the program.
Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. will appoint a criminal prosecutor to investigate past interrogation abuses. Since there will be no present or future abuses, that need not be addressed. However, Obama's name may not be mentioned in connection with the investigation or prosecution because he is "going forward" and prosecution would be "looking backward" an he does not think that is in the country's best interest. And the country has enough interest on the debt he has incurred already.
A minority view was presented by the task force, but rejected. That view was that this has taken so long and is so mired in red tape, it would be easier to close Gitmo and send all the detainees on a cruise during hurricane season.